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For the love…

of Jen Hatmaker. Mercy, her new book has held me captive. I’m just touching the surface 70 pages in and I am filled with so much anticipation for the gospel truth nuggets sprinkled between uncanny wit! But, the Spirit is moving me to pause. Really pause and reflect, maybe share heartfelt revelations that can happen in the midst of turning pages.

At this moment, I’m dealing with some emotional baggage. I’m approaching 40 and realizing I, too, like Jen Hatmaker, keep seeing someone’s old-lady hands sticking out of my sleeves. I’m tired of 4th grade math (and it’s week 2 of school). I’m certainly tired of my overcrowded balance beam. Of all the things I’m most tired of, I’m tired of the facade that we have to have it all together and that no one can handle “real”.

Real is my house isn’t always clean, my dishes and laundry pile up, I’m not a night person so please understand if I would rather do a coffee break than do a girls’ night. I love my jammies and the couch at 8pm…it’s our special friendship and I need it to be a nice person. Speaking of, there’s more than one side to me…I’ve had texts from dear friends in the same day one saying “come hang out since I know you must be tired from being nice all day” and the other saying “you have the sweetest heart”. I can be both. I love people but sometimes loving people is exhausting. Is that okay to say? I bet if we were being honest we would all say that.

I don’t know about you but with school back in session and working out a new “normal” I’m struggling to find balance in the worst way. I feel like I need to have it all together.

I love what JH says about “balance”:

“Balance. It’s like a unicorn; we’ve heard about it, everyone talks about it and makes airbrushed T-shirts celebrating it, it seems super rad, but we haven’t actually seen one. I’m beginning to think it isn’t a thing.”

Oh yes!! I need this on a canvas. Probably in the kitchen where most of life happens around the island as we battle wars on homework, veggies, technology and many other more significant struggles.

But it’s not even the aging and the balancing and the math that gets me the most. What truly tips my balance is the faux-authenticity by which we have to live life now. We can’t be real with one another. We can’t say, “I’ve had a bad day”, “It hurt me when…”, “I don’t agree with…” because whatever slice of life we share with that person is now blurred through hard truth not the fluffy Pinterest version of truth. True acceptance is so hard for us. It’s become a dance. We play the part for our parents, our spouse, our kids, our friends, our co-workers and all is fine. But being vulnerable seems to have no place in the dance. Being real often meets rejection.

I want to be on mission to change that!

Georgia was super cranky and tired one day after a week of going strong with cross-country practices and fun-filled activities with friends and I said “I feel like we’ve gotten the leftovers”, to which she genuinely responded “I just don’t feel like I have to be “ON” when I’m home”. Oh the sweet truth from a teenager. I got that! I get it! And I told her so. “Girlfriend, I get that! ” Isn’t it nice to have your “tribe” that you don’t have to be ON for? If you aren’t already, please give your family grace to have a cranky day…you will need it reciprocated one day, I’m sure. Better yet, give them a hug and find some way to help them feel refreshed.

On the note of grace…we really do need to sprinkle it like confetti over the people in our lives. I don’t remember where I saw that, but it is worth repeating. Sprinkle GRACE like confetti! Here’s the other part of grace…truth. If you’ve ever been offended and you are holding on to that, well the offender may not know…I bravely say go and share that so that person can not hold that power over your life…bitterness wreaks havoc on the body and soul.

Here’s the heart of what JH said about “truth” and I’m guessing I’m not the only one who needed to hear it:

“Just tell the truth. Whatever question comes, just tell the truth. If you don’t know the answer, admit you struggle. If you disagree with the conversation, don’t sit there acting otherwise. Stop trying to self-preserve; that is a fool’s errand.

Sisters, can you imagine a world where we could be free enough to tell the truth? Letting hard things be hard and confusing things be confusing? If we fought the instinct to prop things up, to polish and tilt and arrange the pieces in just the right lighting, we would be free. We could all exhale.

The best I offer the world is the truth–my highest gift. What the world does with it is not up to me. I am not in charge of outcomes, opinions, assessments. I am not in the business of damage control. When I present a fabricated version of myself–the self who knows all, is ever certain, always steps strong–we all lose, because I cannnot keep up with that lie and neither can you.”

If you are reading this, then you more than likely know me. In some sliver of my life, you know me and so you probably know I do truth. I’ve never ever been good at hiding my feelings and I’ve always felt that eventually what was hidden would become unhidden, because it always does, so why not just put it on the table. If you’ve ever offended me, well I probably told you because I’m not good at keeping things in. But rest assured, I probably forgot the offense the next day. I just can’t keep that crap on my beam. I have enough to balance you see. If I get nothing else (like 4th grade math) I get grace. I get it so well. I get our need for it from our Savior and hear this…from one another.

I just think it would be so much easier on all of us if we got real. So, I at the very least want to challenge those in my reach to release the false pretense of having it all together and arranging the pieces to look just so. Set yourself free and exhale. It feels so good to exhale.

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